the paper doll

Ghost of Christmas Present

I had this friend.  This great friend.  And it got ruined.

Grief makes you do crazy things.  Amazing friends make you do crazy things.

It all got fixed over the Thanksgiving holiday.  And we're not back the way we use to be.  I don't know if we ever will be.  But we're back.  And I'm glad for that.

But his mom has cancer.  Lung cancer.  And it pisses me off, and hurts, and makes me cry.

We are 25 years old.  This is not supposed to happen to us.

And even though I've been through this I still have no idea what to say to him.  How to be a good friend.  How to be what he needs.

He was great then.  He brought me food.  He called people for me.  He handled it perfectly.  And I'm just stammering and sending I'm thinking good thoughts emails. 

I should be better at this.  I should have the right words.  I should be able to handle this better.

But it just makes me want to fall apart.

To shake my fists at the sky.  To scream.  To hate God.

I want to fix it for him.  But I'm not that naive.  I know I can't.  I know nothing helps.  I know it hurts forever.  And that no matter what I say or do I can't make it stop.  And that freezes me.

So I say all the cliche things.  I'm thinking about you.  I'm sorry.  You're in my prayers.  And I hope it's enough to keep his head above water.

-The Paper Doll needs to stop listening to Bon Iver but she can't

Ghosts of Christmases Past

It's Christmas time.  What does that even mean anymore?  Trees, lights, sweets, presents.  Presents you love.  Presents you want to return.

I feel like it's not as magical as it use to be.  I'm not wide-eyed and wondering.  I'm pulling my hair out and fretting about money.

My pay check got cut.  I have to take 10 days off without pay.  The numbers don't add up.  Especially with doctors' bills and mortgages.

It's one thing after another without much thought in between.

I want to be a kid again.  To sit in my mom's lap.  To help her stir cookie dough.  To giggle and stay up too late.

Instead I listen to Bon Iver and wash dishes from the party we had.  I pull down the recipes and cook alone with the Christmas tree lights on. 

I remember and wish for magic.

-The Paper Doll doesn't have the Christmas spirit yet but she's working on it

Stirring the Pot

I found this really interesting.

COVER STORY: GAY MARRIAGE

Our Mutual Joy

Opponents of gay marriage often cite Scripture. But what the Bible teaches about love argues for the other side.

You ARE good enough, smart enough, and people DO like you

You know what's crazy Internet?  How other people see you.  That's right.  Other people sometimes know you better than you know yourself.  How profound I know.

I'm FINALLY finished with my application to grad school and the two people (both MEN I might add) who wrote letters of recommendation for me had the nicest things to say about me.  Things that as I was reading I said to myself, Really me? 

But really it is me.  I just forget sometimes.  Or get so caught up in what I need to work on or what I fail at I rarely think about the good things.  The things people instantly see in me.

It's nice to be reminded of those things.  To know that people believe in you and think you're talented, smart, capable, funny, passionate, wonderful...

It's just a shame someone else has to say that stuff for you to believe it.

I think we should all write letters of recommendation for ourselves.  For our friends.  For people we work with.  And then mail them to that person because everyone should be reminded how amazing they are.

-The Paper Doll feels giddy with delight

End of the Year

Dear Internet,

It's December and although I haven't even started my Christmas shopping I have made my New Year's resolutions.

This past year has been all about my mental health.  I got my head on straight as my Nana would say.  Now that it's in place it's time to think about the fat white body on which it resides.

That's right along with everyone else in the country I'll be making the proverbial lose weight resolution.  It's not just about dropping three sizes it's about being well.  About not having a heart attack or developing diabetes.

I got one body and it needs to last.

So this coming year I'll be whipping myself into shape.  Too bad I can't do it with a box of Kleenex and a Xanax like I did my head.

-The Paper Doll wants you to wish her good luck