Confession

Dear Internet,

We need to talk.  I haven't been honest with you.  Yeah I said I've been busy.  I started grad school.  I'm working.  I am busy.  But that's not the reason I've been mum here.

Things aren't right Internet.  They haven't been for a long time. 

And now that I am busy.  Now that I'm starting a career that makes you take a long hard look at your own shit I can't turn my head in the other direction.  I can try.  That's why I haven't written.  Really written.  Because with you I can't lie.  And boy have I been lying or trying to lie.

So here it is Internet, The Musician and I well...I don't even know how to complete that sentence.  We're limping along and I'm not sure I want to limp anymore. 

Just typing that makes me sigh. 

It's so complicated.  Isn't it always so complicated?

But it shouldn't be.  It should be two people in love.   Isn't that all you need?

As it turns out no.

You need passion.  And direction.  And attraction.  And goals.  And mutual interests.

And you need to know.  To know so deep down in your bones.

I only know on the surface.  I could be happy with him.  We could have a great life.  But my bones would always be saying what if?

And that's what makes you check into seedy hotels on your lunch break and do things you'll regret.

We've talked and talked and talked. 

As of now we're still together.  But I have to be honest with you and say I'm not sure how much longer that will be.

I want a ring and a family.

I want to know.

And I don't.

Ps-What does it mean that as soon as I hit publish the sound of settling came on my pandora?

Comments

[Kerilyn]

Girl will you trust me...? PLEASE Trust me.. this book and this website has totally helped me get to a place where I am NO LONGER accepting less than I deserve (oh.. and therapy too) Please dive into this.. and trust yourself!!!
http://baggagereclaim.com/

[antiplath]

Oh hon, I feel for you. I just ended a 2 yr relationship, and though at times it has been rough, breaking up is 100% non-fatal and I am actually much happier already. Like, happy on a level I had forgotten even existed. Do what makes your heart happy, they say. I know it's complicated - it always is. I hope that whatever you do decide makes your heart happy.