the paper doll

She said, "It looks like you're cleaning out your life."

And she was right Internet.

I AM cleaning out my life.

The Musician and I had "the talk."  It's not you it's me.  I still love you.  Let's be friends. 

And Antiplath was right, it wasn't fatal.  It was perhaps the most awkward breakup ever but it's done.  Kind of.  There's still the exchange of stuff and we do have mutual friends so it will never really be over over.  Plus he's a great guy, and I  hope eventually we CAN be friends.

Regardless, finally just saying all those things I had been holding back made me feel immensely better.  Like float to the ceiling click my heals better.

I had no idea how weighted down I had become.  It just wasn't working and I had been carrying that around with me for months.

Now, I can get serious about losing weight, getting back to yoga, and writing.  I feel like I have space to explore and expand.

And right now, that's exactly what I need.

XO,

The Paper Doll

Grace in Small Things: Whatever the hell number I'm on

God Internet I need some goodness.  Some simple, life affirming, joy bringing, goodness.

I love that the weather is starting to fall.  I was driving home the other day and just got this overwhelming sense of the change.  The light was softer, the trees swaying, it was just this tiny perfect moment.  Everything was still.  I adore fall.  The colors, the food, the intimateness of it all. 

I love Pandora.  The music ebbs and flows from my consciousness all day as I work.  I love when a song jolts me into awareness.  Or when the song just happens to perfectly align with what I'm thinking or typing.

I love school.  It's frustrating as all hell but god is it good to be exactly where you should be.

I love that the bff is back.  I love that I can drive with my sunroof open.  I love that my sweet dog curls up at the end of my bed.  That the ex-parisian redhead is have a smashing year.  That I can type on this bloggity blog.  That I can be free to be me.

Confession

Dear Internet,

We need to talk.  I haven't been honest with you.  Yeah I said I've been busy.  I started grad school.  I'm working.  I am busy.  But that's not the reason I've been mum here.

Things aren't right Internet.  They haven't been for a long time. 

And now that I am busy.  Now that I'm starting a career that makes you take a long hard look at your own shit I can't turn my head in the other direction.  I can try.  That's why I haven't written.  Really written.  Because with you I can't lie.  And boy have I been lying or trying to lie.

So here it is Internet, The Musician and I well...I don't even know how to complete that sentence.  We're limping along and I'm not sure I want to limp anymore. 

Just typing that makes me sigh. 

It's so complicated.  Isn't it always so complicated?

But it shouldn't be.  It should be two people in love.   Isn't that all you need?

As it turns out no.

You need passion.  And direction.  And attraction.  And goals.  And mutual interests.

And you need to know.  To know so deep down in your bones.

I only know on the surface.  I could be happy with him.  We could have a great life.  But my bones would always be saying what if?

And that's what makes you check into seedy hotels on your lunch break and do things you'll regret.

We've talked and talked and talked. 

As of now we're still together.  But I have to be honest with you and say I'm not sure how much longer that will be.

I want a ring and a family.

I want to know.

And I don't.

Ps-What does it mean that as soon as I hit publish the sound of settling came on my pandora?