the paper doll

My Julie/Julia Project

Oh Internet,

Have you seen Julie & Julia?  It's is the sweetest most inspirational movie ever.  I say go this instant right now to see it if you haven't.  It will change your life.  Not only did it make me want to cook but oh it made me want to do something.  To set a goal and do something every day.  I think we all need that.  A raison d'etre if you will.

But I'm struggling with what mine will be.  I do love to cook and I found myself identifying with Julie.  Especially when she has breakdowns over botched recipes.  The Musician even punched me during one scene and whispered that's so you.  Touche.

But the cook everything has already been done.

So,what should my 365 day challenge be?  Complete all the house projects?  Lose weight?  Master all the yoga poses?  Complete some number of things from my life list?  What Internet? 

Oh but it must be something.  Something I can dive into and immerse myself in.  Because the idea of having something to ground myself in is so delicious to me.

Any ideas?

XO,

The Paper Doll

To Do

Dear Internet,

I've tried the 101 in 1001.  I keep a list of 100 things to do before I die.  I make New Year's resolutions.  I write down to do's and have to's all the time.

This year I want to try something different. 

26 things to accomplish in my 26th year.  Reasonable things from all my lists that I know I can do this year.

1. lose 26lbs (or more but 26 sounds reasonable and it's my whole theme)
2. have a hammock in my backyard
3. join the contemporaries
4. pay everything off
5. finish the artist's way
6. start grad school and do well
7. learn how to play imagine on the piano
8. go to the library book sale
9. go to the dentist
10. finish my bedroom
11. tidy up the laundry room
12. ride my bike without holding the handlebars
13. take a trip with dad
14. host a holiday
15. make a new friend
16. plant an herb garden
17. do something for ruthie
18. clean out, organize, and throw away
19. get my car tuned up
20. get my yard cleaned up
21. preform random acts of kindness
22. do something for carroll
23. go on a picnic with the musician
24. visit the ex-parisian redhead
25. go back to yoga
26. have an amazing year full of love and thanks

Touche

Dear Internet,

You know what?  You amaze me.  Really. 

I finish telling you an oh woe is me story.  One where I'm crushed and confused and then.  Then you send me two signs. 

I click on two different blogs just after talking to you and what do they say?  In big bold letters at the top of the page nonetheless...

Mati Rose: There is nothing wrong with you.

Keri Smith: You really can do whatever you want.

Internet: 2

The Paper Doll: 0

News of the Weird

When I got to the end of this article I wanted to comment:  You're not alone plenty of men marry bitches.  Then laugh and point and say, "get it, bitches."  Ha.  Ha.

Seriously though.  WTF?

Marrying a dog?

Actually, I don't think this woman is crazy at all.  I totally agree with her.  Here here to a tax on plastic bags.

How is this guy not a pee pee toucher?  And secondly I must have a copy of his cd!  I am stupidly amazed by this guy.  I'm not sure if he's a genius or the dumbest person I've ever come across. 

Seriously.

And that folks is what I've been doing all day.

-The Paper Doll says it takes all kinds to make the world go around

A is for Attorney (and Alana!)

Dear Internet,

It's true I've been thinking about it.  I know.  I know.  Me?  An Attorney?

Here's the thing.  I'm not going anywhere in this job without further education, or someone dying, or the sky opening up and God himself coming down and reorganizing my work place.

So, it's time I start thinking about MY options.

Things have just happened to me all my life.  I've been in the right place at the right time and it's always just sort of worked out.

And for the past three years I've been so swamped with grief, and change, and stress I had little time to imagine what I wanted.  Me.  Truly.  Deeply Me.  Lusting after.

Which is why I'm considering taking the LSAT in December.  I have 15 days to decide.

It's true most of my family is either doctor or lawyer.  But that's not how I got here.

The job I have now is very lawyery without the lawyer salary.  And I like what I'm doing.

I like research and solving problems.  I like things always being new.  A different case to solve each week.

And there's a certain amount of creativity and passion in law that makes me excited.

Not to mention I just plum like to argue.

"You'd argue with a sign post," my Dad would shout at me as a kid.

"No I wouldn't!"  I'd protest.

"You're arguing now," he'd retort.

"I am not!" I'd reply.

So see really it's not that far fetched of an idea.

Plus my curves have always looked good in a power suit and heels.

It's just a test, Internet.

I'm not signing my first born away or having a lobotomy.

And in no way does it obligate me to go.

I'm just weighing my options, and that's a nice change.

-The Paper Doll is going to need knowledge AND luck

Ps-The Best Friend is coming home to stay for awhile and I couldn't be more excited.  But more on that later.  I gotta go study.

ask and you shall receive

"You're wrong.  You can create any life you want.  But you have to let go of the path you're on.  You have to listen to and trust the voice of guidance inside you that will set you free.  The Divine Spirit will take you where you need to go to find the life you need, if you let go and trust."

-the paper doll just found that article and thinks the universe is very funny (she also admits she may in fact be a hippie)

grace (when?)

dear internet,

i just started reading anne lamott's new book grace (eventually).  it's apt considering i've been working on grace (never) most of my life but especially recently.

in one of the first stories she talks about letting go.  to illustrate her point to the five-year-olds she's teaching in sunday school she grabs two markers.  one in each hand.  she asks the boys-if i'm outside and i'm hot and thirsty and someone offers me a cool drink of water but i have something in both of my hands-what must i do to take the water? then she drops one of the markers on the table.

and one of the boys says you have to let one of them go.

i've been thinking about what i need to let go.

unfortunately, it's not a crayola marker.

there are habits, thoughts, desires i've been carrying around that don't serve me. 

this site, the way it is now, is one of those things.

i need images.  and art.  and craft.  and more than what it is now.

so expect to see some changes around here. 

a letting go of what i'm not and an embracing of what i am.

-the paper doll will be outside reading until further notice

mental diet

dear internet,

i use to really hate those people who love to exercise.  you know the ones i'm talking about. 

the ones you pass when you are ending your night of bar hopping and they're just starting their morning with a little running. 

hated um!

i mean who really likes exercising?

well damn if i'm not cozening up to the idea internet.

the musician and i have been on two hour long walks this week and i feel amazing.  so amazing i've become inspired to clean out my studio and start creating again.

something i'm attributing to all those endorphins i've released by strolling around the block.

the trick is not to think of it as exercise.  oh and not to sweat.  if you go and sweat that just messes the whole thing up.  and you gotta drink a bottle of wine when you get back internet.  you know to keep things on an even keel and all.  you wouldn't want your body to go and lose weight or anything.

the point is we all need a little fresh air. 

and if exercise just isn't your thing then here are some sites you can breath in to help clear your mind-

rural life

because a part of me wants to live on a farm and make my own soap.

who farked?

after i read my horoscope in the local weekly alternative i flip straight to the news of the weird.  this my friends is the grand daddy of all bizarre human behavior.

if only such passion could be aroused over the state of our governmental affairs

i find this side splittingly funny even if i do love cilantro.

artiste extraordinaire

because we all need eye candy once in awhile.  her flickr pictures are amazing and so are her other two sites. 

could it be? no!

a true test of your musical genius.

-the paper doll says bon appetite y'all!

throwing perfect to the wind

dear internet,

my life is a study in delayed gratification.  on any given day i must have at least 4,557 thoughts pertaining to the exact specifications i must achieve if i'm ever going to be happy.

thou shalt not achieve bliss until x has been accomplished.  but in order to accomplish x, y must be done.  but before y, z.  and before z...

the whole list of things i must do in order to be happy looks eerily similar to the list of things i worry about.

so i'm stopping internet.

the past has never been my down fall.  i don't linger over regrets and try and work out what i should have of done.

no no. i muse about things even further beyond the grasp of my control-the future.

the future where my thighs will be the size of twigs and my gut a sunken crater.  where money flows like rivers and debt a thing of the past.  where sugar plum fairies dance around my bed and happiness springs eternal.  and we all don't work or care how we look.

fcuk that internet.

seriously. 

what if i never lose a single pound for the rest of my life?  or if i don't pay off my mortgage?  or cut my grass? or ever change jobs?

what then?

i spend my life hating myself?  lusting after what i don't have?

not enjoying the beautiful moments i'm given.

the sun.  the symphony.  the look of the musician.  the way i feel in a beautiful dress.  the laughter of friends.

are those moments not good enough just because things aren't perfect?

it's just not natural internet.  i'm southern after all.  it's what we do.

we let the good times roll and we drink and we curse and we make love.  and by god there's nothing a little casserole or cake can't fix.

why do you think we're the fattest people in the country?  because we are all about the here and now (and fat back).

it's not bad to be happy.

i can have a shabby yard and chipped nails.  i can be ten pounds over weight.

i can be happy right now and not wait for perfect.

because perfect is a bus that never comes. 

there will always be something. 

so i'm not dieting.  and i'm not making a list of all the things i "have to do."  and i'll cut my grass when i get around to it. 

right now i'm drinking more champagne and eating cake and walking barefoot.

and i don't care what you think.

if you roll your eyes at my size or my obnoxious laughter.

because that's another thing us southerns are good at-charming our way out of anything.

-the paper doll is living out loud and there's nothing you can do about it

working 9 to 5

dear internet,

change is a foot over at the ole paper doll place.  as predicted 2007 has ridden in with the wind and screwed things up.

nay, just shaken things around a bit so i'm still finding which way is up.

so if i'm absent for awhile know it's not personal i just have a few things to take care of in the new year.

things, due to the blogging code, cannot be discussed here.  but i promise are mostly good.

wish me luck and i promise to be back soon.

-the paper doll is swamped with work

leave of absence

so after you go and vote today, which you must do, don't come round here internet because i'll be gone.

i'm taking a short vacation.

jetting off to the great rose capital of the world to help my friend give up her hand in marriage.  the great ex parisian redhead will doth be single nevermore.

it's all frightfully exciting.

see you back next week.

-the paper doll is going to dance and twirl (and drink lots of champagne)

star struck

so internet,

you had to make my face break out on the day i got to meet kevin bacon (and kelly preston AND aisha tyler) didn't you?

what did i do in a previous life to make you curse me so?

and the weather?  the cold ass weather that you sent so while standing around the movie set my leg hairs grew an inch.

seriously.

so my job comes with perks.  perks that make it a lot easier to swallow wearing a suit and heels most days.

perks that allowed us to tour the set of a movie they're filming here in town.

a movie with kevin bacon, kelly preston, and aisha tyler.

and while seeing kevin bacon in the flesh was a highly thrilling thing the tour itself was BOR-RING.

seriously.

how many camera men does it take to change a light bulb?

there's guy holding pole with tennis ball on end #1.

and boy who rides skateboard around set #2 and 3.

then woman who sits in chair #4, 5, and 6.

we did get to see where the stars get their faces put on and where they drink their imported bottled water which was kinda cool.

but really it was a lot of standing around and waiting and quiet on the set for hours on end.  just to get one minute of actual film shot.

they lie when they say filming a movie is hard.

because for the first three hours kevin bacon didn't do anything but schmooze with the crowd and wander around the set while his stand in stood in.

i'd like to have one of those.  hey stand in can you go to work for me today.  then could you go to my dentist appointment and pick up my dry cleaning.  thanks.  i'll just be over here doing nothing.

gah.

but hey at least now when you play that seven degrees of kevin bacon thing-you got a direct line.

because i internet got to bask in the ray of stars.

too bad none of his movies are any good.

such is life.

-the paper doll leads a fabulous life (sometimes)

the special day when...

that's right internet today is my blogaversary (oh shut up you knew it was coming, you knew i'd used the word).  but i just don't have it in me to write some weepy introspective post about where i've been this past year and oh how you've saved my life and meant so much to me.

the period she's kicking my ass.

plus i am a failure internet.  a miserable failure.  ebay hadth rejected me and i'm just sick with sorrow and regret. 

i lost a bidding war with cheeku29on the most beautiful anthropologie quilt.  that quilt was suppose to be mine internet.  all mine.

i had plans with that quilt.  we were going to read good books and drink cups of tea.  we were going to snuggle.  that quilt was going to keep me warm through the winter internet.

and now.  i got nothing.  there'll never be another quilt like that one. 

i lost the perfect quilt because you didn't refresh the page fast enough.

and there's nothing i can do about it.  zip.  the quilt has been shipped off to live somewhere else  far far from my home and the foot of my bed.

which now that i think about it-this may have become a post about my past year after all.

i'm going to lie down without my quilt and think of all the ways you've failed me and never once consider all the ways you've saved me from myself.

happy anniversary baby.  we've come along way, haven't we?

-the paper doll needs a midol and a time out

finding the pot of gold

when a long term relationship slammed shut in my face and sent me to my knees in a heaping mess of tears i knew it would take something extraordinary to get me back on my feet again.  after all i had already lost my mother, my dog, and my best friend in the same year i wasn't sure i could handle anything else.

so i began searching.  i wasn't after something to just fill my days with now that he was absent.  i knew i needed something more.  something that would get me off the couch, stop the throbbing in my chest, and set me back on firmer ground.

i had been a long time student of yoga but had never fully devoted myself to the practice--only rolling out my mat here or there once a week.   yet during those few classes i had managed to fall head over heels in love with my teacher and one sunday night i realized she was exactly what i was looking for.  i saw a glimmer in her and i wanted it because it was as far from the place i was in as you could get.  i craved having a body, a mind, a calming grace like hers.  i lusted after her strength and stability.  and because it had been months since something moved me the way those two hours once a week did i knew i had found what it was i was searching for.

so i meekly asked her one night if she thought i'd kill myself if i took a class every day for one month.  that was in july.  as august slips off her petty coats and lets down her hair i've realized that one month promise has silently turned into two.  and my life?  it really has been changed.

when i first began yoga i was as shaky as a leafless tree in november.  my roots were unable to hold me steady through down dog and chaturanga.  my muscles were weak and atrophied.  my heart was hard and closed off.  and my mind well it bounced around like a kernel of corn in a popper.

my life was a mess.  i had lost everything.  and my yoga reflected that.  i could not gracefully balance on one leg or open my front body in a back bend.  i was a fearful child when i tried to kick up into head stand and my mind fluttered during savasana.

but i kept coming.  every day i rolled out my mat and forced my body through the poses.  eventually my panting subsided and eased into long even breathes.  my muscles stopped their trembling and one day it clicked.  i did it.  all of it.

i'll never forget the moment i first lowered myself through chaturanga, then cobra, pushed back to down dog,  and stepped into warrior one.  it was the moment i surrendered and my heart spread open and grace ran through my body and exploded out my finger tips, through the soles of my feet, and the crown of my head. 

i had done it.  i had realigned my body and in doing so i had realigned my heart.  i had let go of all the pain the past few months held and i began to trust.  i became present in the moment listening to the wisdom deep inside me and depending on it alone to guide me back through down dog to chaturanga and then child's pose.  i had earned the rest this time.

as i sat back on my heels and dropped my head to look at my heart i realized it was only by challenging my physical body that i could forgot the mental traps i had laid for myself, the i cannot do this, i am a failure, i've lost everything,  that had been on repeat.  because one cannot hold themselves upside down while a critic blares in their ear.  at first i only managed to shut the voice off for a few minutes then slowly for the whole two hour class.  now those moments of clarity and pure self extend beyond my mat and they are what keep me centered as i walk through the day.

have i become the model student? no.  i have much more to learn and i still get weak in the knees sometimes and my poses are far from perfect but i've learned the greatest lesson of all, everything i need to survive is right here if i'll just quiet my mind and listen.  it turns out that's what i was really searching for after all down dog was just the vehicle i needed to propel myself to the other side.

-the paper doll as opened her heart to grace and will never be the same

my own kind of churchin

i don't often talk about religion or politics here.  there's a good reason for the latter and it's spelled J-O-B. 

and the former often puts people's panties in a wad when you bring it up.  i'm also not a big fan of labels and the i believe in god but not in the church argument has been used by every drunk college student sitting around a tapped keg.

as you can imagine being a child raised in the south religion was not something i had much of a say in.  i can't blame my parents because neither did they or their parents or their parents parents have much of  a choice either.  so there was church on sunday and covered dishes and youth group and sunday school and video tapes of me giving god the glory glory.

and like all good children do, i threw down the expectations of my parents-my grandparents-and charted out my own anti religious course.  i just couldn't swallow what the small town presbyterians were serving while holding a beer in one hand and a condom in the other.

but as i've gotten older i've realized that being that dreaded C word doesn't have to be the way mrs. t told you it did.  i don't have to turn in my indie music addiction for its christian rock counterpart.  i can drink and smoke and make love.

i can be spiritual and have religion without the fundamental hymns and rehearsed creeds.

i can see the good in everyday and the joy in the small things.  i can honor the spirit that guides me through life, that provides for me, that weaves my path for me.

i can celebrate the awaking i've had and the throwing down of tenants that don't work for me.

and no matter what you believe i can accept you the way you are without wanting to change you.  without proselytizing.  without judging or condemning the way so many did in my youth.

i can be moral, upright, and good without thumping my bible in the background.

i can find god in the details.

i can be the woman my parents raised me to be while making my own sense out of it all.

-the paper doll gives a joyful noise unto the skies

wide eyed

internet you know i believe in signs.  you know i believe that we are given what we need when we need it (even the bad stuff we need).

so you shouldn't be surprised when i tell you that the two comments i received day came at just the right moment.  the one from the lovely kyra printed out and stuffed into my purse so i can paste it into my journal. 

and the other i'm still soaking in because when i clicked on her link i found this internet:

  "I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves."

~James Kavanaugh

internet, i've never read something that i've so deeply connected with before.  that resonates through my very being.  to know me is to read that.  to read that and understand.

thank you.

-the paper doll opens her arms to the sky in a big embrace

eating crow

she recently wrote a post about how a little change in perspective always made things better.  and while i appreciate her post and always find her charming, today needed something a little stiffer than hanging off the couch upside down.  like laying on the couch.  passed out.  from one too many drinks.

the day did not get off to the right start.  as in those drinks.  they didn't happen.  instead, things disintegrated one by one.  because the law of physics apparently makes certain that once in motion a crappy day will stay in motion.

when my mom was sick i asked her to just send me a sign every once in awhile.  to let me know she was still there. 

and in the spirit of making lists, which seems like the only literary device i'm able to utilize successfully today, here's another list.  a list where i list why i believe in angels:

1-the best friend and i have reconciled.  seriously internet when you've lost everything you have no idea how encouraging it is just to get one person back.

2-a few months back i sent a card to a woman who used to work in our building.  i never met her but heard she was having a difficult time adjusting after suffering the stroke that forced her to retire.  she called me today just to tell me how special i was and how much that meant to her.

as just as karma comes back to kick you in the ass.  so doth it too come back to pick you up when it's knocked you over.

-the paper doll is humming a sweet tune

real savants (or what this site would be if i had foresight and inclination)

these people are clearly smarter than i (and yet they/she think(s) i'm clever).  it served to remind me that i went to college double majored in art history and english and all i got was this lousy blog.

check it out-the virginator post is priceless.

-the paper doll all hails the master

reasons why you shouldn't be reading this site

internet i'm sure there are a host of things that qualify as "reasons why you shouldn't be reading this website,"  but let me just use last nite's events to illustrate this point.

for starters attempting to get my purse out of my car i hit myself square in the chin with the car door and now sport a massive goose egg and bruise. 

2-i've been sleeping on the bare mattress and pillows for two days because i a) forget or b) am just to damn lazy when i do remember to drive the 5 blocks to the boyfriends and pull my sheets out of the dryer.

3 and really 4-for dinner i ate a bowl of *brownie mix and a handful of shredded cheese. 

*because the brownie mix was a last minute decision at the grocery store i didn't know whether or not i actually had the 1/2 cup of oil and two eggs needed.  so instead of just buying them, i rooted around in my pantry with my fingers crossed (i found a 5 lbs bag of rotten potatoes which explains that horrible smell).  i was getting desperate and considering using oil olive when i discovered a half full bottle of what i thought was vegetable oil pushed all the way to the back.  when i dumped its contents into the measuring cup i noticed bits of brown crusty stuff floating in the oil.  which i just sort of stared at for a moment thinking well i really don't have any other option.  then i realized that stuff was bits of ground chick peas and the oil was in fact the recycled peanut oil we use when we make falafel, not the pure vegetable oil called for.  i dumped it in anyway.  then i got two eggs out of the carton noting the best used by mar 27 stamped on the side.  i cracked them open stirred them in and proceeded to eat the batter raw.  i figured with the burnt crust of beans the two month old eggs would be of little consequence. 

lessons learned:  i'm far more disgusting than i ever thought and i would totally make it on survivor because hello just look at what i ingested for dinner.

-the paper doll is an idiot (savant)

brilliant

http://swirlygirl.typepad.com/swirly_girl/2006/04/a_brief_moment_.html

"i met a girl last week who's father had eaten her placenta"

became manic when only had 15 mins to consume over priced yuppie food.

spilled tea on front of shirt.

cursed boyfriend for not shifting smoother and making me that girl who had stains on the front of her shirt when i gave that reading in charleston.

saw david sedaris.

listened to david sedaris.

laughed controllably and considerably louder than those around me.

laughed whole heartily when everyone else was silent.

received npr bumper sticker.

was asked whether i had a sticky note by 14 different volunteers.

heard a girl tell david sedaris she didn't like it when her food touched.

fantasized about all the things that could happen when i pushed my book across the table for him to sign.

regretted all the things that didn't happen when i pushed my book across the table for him to sign.

shared a cigarette with david sedaris.

told my boyfriend, who also shared a cigarette with david sedaris, that i had shared a cigarette with david sedaris.

dreamed about david sedaris writing about that time he shared a cigarette with that witty girl and her boyfriend.

whispered to the boyfriend at 4am that i had shared a cigarette with david sedaris.

was an hour and a half late to work.

-the paper doll is glowing from exhaustion and general happiness

merci buttercup

now a certain person, (whom i won't call by name per se except to say that she lives over here and you should all go there and tell her how amazing she is) was brave enough to leave me a little message here.

we also had a delightful email exchange that has restored my faith in humanity (and also left me questioning the rules of blog etiquette.  i mean i don't want to seem too eager or stalker like.  nor do i want her to feel ignored.  shut up i know).  now, i've never been one to decide whether the glass was half full or not.  i prefer to ebb and flow with each situation.  some seeming dim and hopeless others mere blips combated with a little laughter and a few tears.

but because of the line of work i'm in i'm constantly amazed by the selfish pig headedness of the general public (when i get a new job i'll tell you i promise-it's a good one-really you'd never guess-go ahead-bet you don't know). 

never when i started this little site to vent my feelings did i imagine that strangers.  STRANGERS.  people who don't know me from adam, as my nana would say, would be so nice to me.  i'm assaulted by horribleness on a regular basis by people who do know me.  much less those who don't.

but you have proved me wrong.  and i'm forever grateful for the compassion and love you have shown me.  i often fear i'm much too honest.  don't edit enough.  aren't funny enough.  don't charm, aren't witty or sarcastic or a good writer at all enough. 

but your warmth and honesty is enough to silent that little voice at times. 

thank you for believing in me, for telling me how beautiful, and good, and wonderful i am. 

you all make this so much easier for me.

thanks for listening to my rambling unedited mess. 

you are all amazing.  and i'm grateful we've found each other (all 19.98 of you who come here every day).

-the paper doll wants you to come over and play

where i tell you about my weekend because you care

so we all know that when it rains it pours saying.  i always thought this applied to guys and well rain.  but no, goodness also comes threefold.  witness my weekend...

first the boyfriend and i went fake shopping on friday.  see he has this idea that window shopping can be just as much fun as spending real money which HELLO i totally didn't believe.  then he said why don't you point out some things that you might like for valentine's day or your birthday. 

then internet it was the most fun ever!  i went from store to store saying i like this and this and oh this would be cute and do they have this in my size and gross what's that about please don't ever buy me that but i really like this. 

i highly recommend getting a man to follow you around and take notes about what makes your face light up.  it's the most dreamy audrey hepburn feeling.  like all these clothes can be mine.  i felt that at any moment we would break out into song with full choreographed chorus and jazz hands.  i can't wait to see what he picks out.

the boyfriend he's a genius.  it made me feel pretty and listened to and i got to pick it out but it's still a surprise.  pure wonderful genius.

he's taking me back tomorrow to try on and purchase cette item.  it's like pretty woman minus that whole hooker part.  the boyfriend even has that delicious richard gere salt and pepper thing going on.

then saturday i went to see my crazy grandmother with lung cancer.  which i know internet should be depressing except she's doing just fine and there's nothing really wrong with her except she's my CRAZY grandmother with lung cancer.  the whole purpose of this little visit was so her children could rearrange her bedroom furniture to give her more air.  AIR internet.  the woman really thought that by placing her bed in a different position she would be able to breath better.  that's funny. 

plus i got to make play dough tacos, ride a stick horse, and give my baby a spanking because she was wearing lipstick on her eyebrows at school.  and if that ain't a good time i don't know what is.  plus i got to teach my imaginative cousin words like fart, and beans beans the musical fruit the more you eat the more you toot.  which she will in turn repeat to her uptight mother and friends at christian school which clearly is AWESOME.  i already taught her to make the fart noise using her mouth on her arm which i was informed she does all the time.

sunday was mostly sleepy nothingness but HELLO gray's anatomy.  oh my god i love tv and i'm not afraid to admit it.  look i'm hip and indie and smart and i read books and listen to npr and all that stuff yet i love tv.  i mean gray's anatomy genius.  but i really wish meredith and mcdreamy would do it and get it over with.  really.  we all know it's coming.  count down to the season finale when they totally make out in that bunk room.  and why don't all offices have that?  i mean when did it become ok to lock the door and get naked at work?  that totally makes up for the 80 hours a week and blood and guts and bomb in your hand.  hell it would make my work a lot more interesting if i could just shack up in the middle of the day.

but the big news internet.  the news that makes me turn cartwheels and kick my legs with glee-the boyfriend just got this new wonderful perfect job.  no more saturdays at work.  no more worrying about money.  perfect wonderful job. 

he has been so great to me these past few months he deserves this so much.  it's the perfect valentine's gift. 

which we will be celebrating this evening at my favorite restaurant.  will make huge ass of myself taking pictures and toasting and making general merriment.  which of course i'll be sure to post here.  of course there will be no pictures of the plates just saucer sized druken eyes.

life is truly good today.

also i heard this on npr which i will be writing an insightful grown up post about tomorrow.  right after i report on the champagne toasting and southern asian fusion cooking.

but for now i'm grinning ear to ear and celebrating this unforeseen shower. 

-the paper doll is jumping in the puddles

ps-i also have an appointment to cut all my hair off in a week.  any ideas internet? 

yes virginia there is a sanata claus

look at that.  my boss.  MY BOSS is out of here at 4:30.  do you hear that internet?  i might actually get out of this place before the sun goes down!*

it just goes to show you that somewhere someone (whatever you call that big thing in the sky) is listening because internet i was at my breaking point.  that boiling over i'm going to walk right out that office door and not come back place.  it's been a loooong week and it's only wednesday.  do you hear me WEDNESDAY.

i'm always grateful for surprises like this.  they'r so humbling.  and the unexpected is always better than that scheduled vacation time that's been on the calendar for months.

why is that internet?  how do i appreciate something more when i don't think i'm going to get it?  and why is it always given at just the moment i think i'm going to break?

i guess it's the mystery of life, non?  or at least what keeps my small pagan belief in God alive.  i like to think he's sitting up there going, yeah her head's going to explode i'll give her this one, cheers.

thanks whatever you are.

-the paper doll is slipping into a hot bath and a glass of wine

*of course every moment i spend here is heaven and i wouldn't dream of being anywhere else.

hallmark moment

i had some really earth shaking, beautifully written post all dreamed up but now i've forgotten it internet.

more than anything what i want to say is a big fat thank you.  to all of you.  the ones that read this humble sometimes not even funny at all site.  the ones who let me click around their site and sit in awe of them.  the dreaming and creating and sarcastic and stomach hurting funny.  you all add so much to my life.

today i have a small glimmer of hope and joy (which i'm sure can be attributed to it being friday and having a date with the boyfriend to drink wine and lounge in each other's company and do absolutely nothing but laugh with each other-i'm soo over the going out thing-for now anyway)

ok back to my point internet.  so yeah i feel like i'm slowly getting back to that place before my life went all crack whore on a drug induced frenzy. 

i have concrete, pinky swear plans to pick the artist's way back up.  and diet and exercise have been on the fore front of my mind.  AND i got out my sketchbook and sat in my studio this week!  (now i know i actually  have to do these things but trust me just thinking about sewing my life back together is a big improvement)

i haven't thrown the covers completely off yet-but i'm working on breaking out of my cocoon.

and damn if it doesn't feel good. 

here's to the weekend and the infinite possibilities of life.

-the paper doll isn't hiding HER light under a bushel-NO

ps-i saw a license plate on my lunch break (side note-why didn't anyone inform me of the wonderfulness of getting the hell out of the office for one hour to eat?) that said we w8ed.  do i need anymore proof that i live in the south?  i mean really WTF?

for your information

so internet as you might know my birthday is coming up.  one month to the day to be exact.

so..i just thought you might want to know what i want.  you know so you aren't scrambling at the last moment and wondering and anxious about, oh no what am i going to get her, and then at the last possible moment you pull into walmart and get me some hideous thing that i can't even return that i end up giving to the salvation army.

first, is this ring (with a picture of me and mom) from fancy jewels.

next, is this beautiful boxed set of all the griffin and sabine books. of course finding them may be a bit hard but i trust you have the resources and smarts to know where to look internet.  (hint: here, here, and here).

and i figured since she is making me TWO pillows for my bed (which you could reimburse me for internet) why not throw in one of these wonderful mod birds too.

you also of course could upgrade my flickr account, buy me one of her paintings, this cool lamp, or send lots of money. 

just some thoughts  incase you were wondering.

-the paper doll is gearing up for a birthday blow out

ps-will also send a list of the hundreds of books i desire upon request.  but really it's MY BIRTHDAY you can spring for more than just some measly book (unless of course it's a first edition signed copy of this).

blushing from small girl crush

before i begin to attempt to relay the rest of my thanksgiving melodrama i must send out a very big THANK YOU to my lovely swap partner.

she sent me the cutest handmade owl pillow and other goodies (tea, candles, fun christmas stickers).  it was wonderful to be away for 4 days, come home open my front door and almost trip over a big box just for me.  you never expect mail but always in the back of your head is that small voice that says i want a package, send me a package, i deserve a package damn it-and this time someone listened.  it was quite nice.

thank you, miss magpie, for making my first swap so fabulous. 

now the rest of you go check out her site and tell her how nice she is.

shout out

i have been thinking (obsessing really because i always take things to the next level-i'm an overachiever-should not be called crazy for this-should be applauded because most people don't work half this hard) about this site A LOT this week.  it seems i've hit a very dry uninteresting patch in my life.  almost closed up shop because a) no one reads this damn thing anyway b) i'm a mediocre writer at best c) who really wants to read about MY life d) this site is so ugly and i don't know how to fix it.  whine whine whine.

you WOULD THINK that a young southern artsy fartsy girl would have lots to write about.  HELLO I LIVE IN THE SOUTH. but damn not being able to write about that place that you're not suppose to write about because MAN i would have YEARS worth of material to entertain you with.  in fact, sometimes i dream of getting fired just SO I CAN write about that place you can't write about.  it's a doozie you wouldn't believe it people.  TRUST ME.

have also seriously considered not inserting my ring so i have some new material.  man is blogging synonymous with having babies?  seems like everyone around this place is knocked up or has already shot a kid out of their vagina.  not to mention a girl i went to HIGH SCHOOL with is having her second child-SECOND CHILD HIGH SCHOOL.

but luckily i was snapped out of it by the lovely kyra.  plan take over the world one post at a time is back in effect, even if that involves describing the oatmeal i had for breakfast.

because of her fabulous comments i have dubbed her the website of the week.   a prestigious honor only bestowed upon those who are truly wonderful.  as consolation she can look forward to the extra eight readers this will steer her way.

thank you miss kyra for preventing an unwanted child and a welfare check. 

funny how life always seems to give you what you need at just the right moment.