Self Pity and Chocolate

It is Valentine's Day and I am listening to Kat Edmonson, drinking wine, and trying to crawl out of self loathing.

Has something ever happened to you Internet, and you stop and look around and say to yourself, how did I get here?  How did this happen?

That's where I am right now.  Wondering how I let myself get to this place.  This place where I no longer see myself.  Instead I see broken out skin and pudgy thighs.

A fat girl.

An insecure fat girl.

I use to play this game with my girlfriends when I was in college.  They'd pick out a guy in the bar for me to take home.  And I would every single time because I was confident.  Not because I was the prettiest girl in the room.  Or the skinniest.  But because I was confident.  And I knew how to toss my hair and touch him on the arm and tie a cherry stem in a knot with my teeth.

It was a terrible game.  A useless.  Use me up game.

But now I don't even have the courage.  The confidence.  To ask my crush to coffee.  TO COFFEE.

And it's my stomach that's now in knots.

How did this happen Internet?

When did I let myself go?  Lose myself?  

How do I get myself back?  Right myself so I can walk into a room unafraid of my power...

Not so I'm not alone next Valentine's Day but so I'll never be alone because I'll always have me.  Wonderful. Self confident me.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

Comments

[antiplath]

Sounds like you're in a rut. :( But the fact that you are confronting it is good, I believe. That, they say, is the first step toward change. Here is a hug if you want it (you). Missed your posts. Oh, and I have this quotation taped to my dresser mirror and I read it every morning before I leave the house. It's true.

[Volk-noir]

Don't really know how i came to read your blog, but I'm glad i did!

i read 5 maybe 6 of your entries and love them all, i know you write mostly for yourself, this is not the kind of blog where you expect comments ( maybe you do) or to develop your style, writing, etc. this blog is you, raw you. and I like it...so maybe strangely (not in a stalker-creepy way) I like you.

[air jordan 13]

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