GAH internet i know i know. i promised i'd write about this and post a picture for self portrait tuesday and blah blah blah. but look it was valentine's day OK. so you're just going to have to sit down and wait a minute because i have to tell you a very important story of how the gods smite thee.
never in my 22 years and 11 months and 15 days have i ever had a good valentine's day. every year cupid's arrow seems to pierce my ass instead of my heart.
last year- i spent 75 dollars on two center stage tickets to the vagina monologues. it was only after i agreed that under no circumstances (besides a natural disaster huffing and puffing and blowing the venue away) would i get my money back that it dawned on me-you have a class on wednesday nites. a class from the hours of 6 to 9. a class that is conveniently at the exact time of the play. oh AND it's your final exam in that class. so just blowing off cette class because hello it's valentine's day and 75 dollars which means i'll be eating ramen for two weeks is not an option.
did i get a card-no. flowers-no. i got oh it's alright i'll have dinner ready for you when your class is over and i'll pay you back for the tickets. which is nice but HELLO if you are going to spend 75 dollars it should be in jewels chocolate or fur.
and dinner should not be steamed vegetables. thank god for butter and salt.
(i should note it was a sweet gesture considering the boyfriend he does not cook)
and while i can't recall any other horrid v-day experiences because i've blocked them from my collective conscience i know they're there. trust me internet. THEY ARE THERE.
so last week when the boyfriend said so what do you want to do for valentine's day it was only natural for me to respond-GAH valentine's day i hate valentine's day. yuck. boo. i've never had a good one. whine. whine. whine.
which naturally he responds with some zen buddhist crap about well if you think you are going to have a bad one then you will blah blah blah. which of course i didn't listen to because i'm too busy wallowing in how miserable valentine's day is.
so i say i want no part in it. you plan something. i don't want to know. i don't care. understand?
then i made him look me in the eye and repeat, it is my responsibility to plan something for valentine's day. my sole responsibility.
then i said just so we are clear and there are no questions next tuesday-you are planning and i'm having no part in it because of the curse.
we all know how this turned out don't we internet? i don't even have to write the rest of this do i internet? the little knowledge i have empowered you with allows to draw your own conclusion doesn't it?
well i'm going to tell you anyway because i can. and you are going to sit there and pretend that you didn't see this coming from oh three miles and ten feet away.
so as he paid for our lovely meal on monday (which i totally forgot to document in pictures) he said you're going to remember this tomorrow right? and i said yeah of course we could eat taco bell tomorrow and i'd be happy. (no really i said taco bell) but i feel it was coercion on his part because hello i would have agreed to wear culottes and a themed sweat shirt at that point because of all the champagne martinis. i kid you not internet vodka and champagne and some other stuff to make it a pretty color. i was in no shape to agree to anything. especially something that would have great impact on the day and propagate the curse.
then it happened. the big day hit. no surprise as he leaves for work. nothing hidden in the couch cushions. nothing waiting on my desk at work. no mail. no candy. no dead fish wrapped in newspapers. nothing. nada. no.
then the guess all day comes... oh i know during his lunch break he put flowers in my apartment that's it. no again.
i'll call and see how i need to dress tonight. that will make it feel like valentine's day.
the reply i get internet-i don't know what do you want to do. I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? (me silently to myself-i thought i was to have NO part in this. he was suppose to plan this. isn't that what we agreed on?) what i really said was, i don't know then i pouted because HELLO it's 6:30 and i have nothing for valentine's day and your asking me what i want to do.
well he'll bring something when he comes over tonite that's it. no AGAIN. (he did bring some tin of half eaten chocolate that someone gave him (which reminds me that i didn't ask where that came from because i was to busy thinking so where is it? where is my present?))
so after we went two rounds about what we are doing, and he doesn't care, and i thought we were going shopping, and why don't i pick. i say, it doesn't matter i don't really feel that great and let's just stay in because everything's going to be so crowded.
ok. he says. ok internet.
so we go to barnes and noble. which i think oh he'll buy me a book. NO AGAIN.
he buys something for himself and we walk a mile back to the car because he has this thing about taking the first parking space he sees even if it is from here to antarctica to the door.
as you can imagine i'm a little fried at this point. i've seen nothing. the man didn't even hold my hand as we were making the cross country trek to the car. no hint of it being a special day and my ability to act all cool and flippant about what's the big deal it's a silly holiday anyway faded.
so when he utters the dreaded what now question. i lose it and mutter something about every year i expect to feel special and it never happens and oh the tears and the silence and the we are sitting in the parking lot while people walk by and see my running mascara.
then we move to the grocery store parking lot and sit and people watch my running mascara.
then we go inside the grocery store. where over the cheese case i say just get me a card ok. next time at least just get me a damn card. ok? then i hand him the aged cheddar and make a break for the door.
that's right internet. over a block of cheese in the grocery store i request a hallmark card. hell something. paste a heart made out of newspaper on a take out wrapper i don't care i just needed something. and a card seemed to be appropriate. it was a lot better than what the hell showing up to my house empty handed and asking me what i wanted to do.
after he roamed the grocery store for 12 minutes and i made an emergency call to the girlfriend (which she didn't answer because she was probably having a wonderful time) he gets in the car.
then there was some loud tearful exchange and again cupid won and valentine's day sucked.
the sad thing was that in all of that i couldn't bring myself to give him what i made him because he didn't get me anything. how petty is that? i made him something internet and i couldn't just say here. here is the thing i made you because it's valentine's day and we are suppose to be showing how much we love each other.
so to wrap all that rambling up. card-no. flowers-no. jewelry, dress, lingerie, fur-no, no, no, and no.
what really made the whole thing smart was that someone i don't even like very much bought me a small tin of cheap too sweet chocolate. i don't even like this person internet and they bought me something. and my own boyfriend nothing. and have to tell people this. i have to tell the interent this when it asks, so what did you do/what did you get for valentine's?
so the moral of this story is do not allow the boyfriend to plan the day. because he'll say i asked you what you wanted to do and you said you didn't care and then you'll get nothing.
so next year i'm making a list and booking reservations a month in advanced.
and the stupid mob working cupid can take his arrow and aim it at someone else because i'm done with the organized movement to make me feel like shit once a year. take that little winged italian man.
-the paper doll is wallowing in hallmark made misery
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