Dear Internet,
Could you be so kind as to pass the following message on to every creature that has something dangling between their legs.
Lying is rarely a good idea.
Yes, if your girlfriend, wife, mother, sister asks you if she looks fat you should say no. That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about when your girlfriend, wife, mother, sister asks you something and to cover your own ass and avoid some unpleasantness because you know the truth may anger her a little you go for the easy route and lie lie lie.
This never works.
SHE IS GOING TO FIND OUT.
SHE IS GOING TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH AND SHE IS GOING TO FIND OUT YOU LIED ABOUT IT.
And you are going to be sorry.
That bit of unpleasantness you tried to avoid by weaving a yarn. Yeah that's nothing compared to the rage of WHY THE HELL DID YOU LIE ABOUT IT THEN?
Here's the way it works Internet, women are irrational. Yes they get upset about stupid things. And yes it seems like a good idea to avoid all that by deceiving. And yes for a short time this makes you the hero because you told her what she wanted to hear.
BUT.
The universe is rarely generous enough to let you get away with it.
I don't know how it works, Internet, but the truth always comes oozing out. It may be a week, a year, three months. But eventually you'll slip up or she'll find something and Bam! All hell breaks loose.
Why? Because it makes us feel stupid to find out you lied to us. We got taken. We believed that you were prince charming and infallible.
Only to realize you are a weak smarmy ass hole. And if there's anything unattractive on a man it's weakness.
Yes you say you did it to protect. But it was to protect YOURSELF not us. And no woman wants to believe her man is such a pansy ass wuss he couldn't just man up and tell her the truth.
Men are suppose to be strapping and fearless.
Not cowering weenies who are afraid of how their woman is going to react.
And then you have the business of, if it wasn't a big deal then why did you lie about it?
I'll wait while you come up with a good answer to that.
See Internet, you couldn't do it could you?
That's because there is NO GOOD ANSWER TO THAT.
Nope not that one. Or that one. Un-uh. NOT A SINGLE GOOD ANSWER.
So instead of just having a little spat when the issue first came up you postponed a nuclear winter. Because you have to have the original fight AND the fight about why you lied. Which I've already established you had no good reason for.
It's two fights for the price of one.
So just save yourself many sexless nights and take one for the team up front. Don't lie. Man up.
It's better in long run I promise.
Plus it'll save you from having to hear the inevitable, "but I never would have done that to you," rebuttal your woman is bound to use against you.
-The Paper Doll says what a tangled web we weave when we practive to deceive
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